Anyone noticed the rise in…

I post and read basically everything from my phone because my laptop is mostly out of commission. So, the categories that come up for my reader should be a no-brainer since I write about weight loss mostly (I hope to branch out, but that’s not for right now). I always check “Blogs I Follow” first, then I check “Weight Loss”. I’ve been doing this everyday for months.

Within the last month especially, I have been seeing a rise in pro anorexia blogs. With names like, Becoming, Seeking, Being, Finding, Achieving – Ana. At first I was a little naive. One of my best friends’ name is Anna and she is European, so I figured “Ana” could just be a different spelling. Then I open the blogs. They are all different but the same; A girl around 130 pounds trying to get to 100, the heavier girl around 240 thinking this is the only way.

It has been making me not want to open WordPress at all, it is SO depressing. I know I can’t go personally help or save any of these girls or talk some logic and sense into them about why and how this isn’t a good idea for their health. I also know they probably wouldn’t listen if I tried. I feel.. not pity, but empathy, I guess.

On the flipside of that, it also really pisses me off. Reading that kind of stuff makes me think about my nieces or friends with daughters (not that men aren’t affected also, but regarding this speficially, I have only come across female blogs). It made me remember in June sometime, I found out my eldest niece was freaking out over gaining a couple pounds of summer weight because all her girlfriends at camp couldn’t stop texting her about “how skinny we are getting!” These are 14 year-old girls, I was there once, it’s brutal.

My Sister-IL knew I had been working out and losing weight and all that and was talking to me about how my niece thought they needed to go purchase exercise machines and this and that and hoped she would be as thin as her friends by the time they went back to school. So, I offered to talk with her.

My niece is pretty tall, taller than average and average weight at worst. It broke my heart that she was panicking like this. I also knew that I had to take responsibility for the part I played in her poor body image issues. I apologized, first and foremost, for not being a positive female example in her family, our family. I’ve been overweight her entire life as have most of the female members of her family on both sides. I can see why and how she got scared. I’m sure she thinks that someday she’s just gonna end up big like the rest of us. It was that day that I realized how much I could impact someone’s life for better or worse, someone other than my own child. I choose better.

I told her my story, how I’ve been able to workout without equipment (besides dumbbells really, and they have a treadmill in the house where we have a bike), how it has helped my depression and made me much stronger; I showed her a progress photo at the time, explained why she should focus both on strength and cardio and most importantly, that she didn’t need to do this at all, but I understood why she felt she did and encouraged her to get strong, not skinny. Then, I promised to be a positive example from here on out for her and the rest of the younger generations of our family and I really, really mean it – to my very core.

So, when I see “Pro-Ana” blogs, that’s what I think about. Are my nieces seeing this stuff too? Probably. That makes me sad and I know I can’t control it. Maybe, though, just maybe, if I can set a good enough example for the younger generations in our family – maybe that is, not THE, but A, first step?

Clothes

So, I mean. Hey. Everyone on a get-healthy and get-fit journey can feel me on needing some new clothes, right?

My Mother-in-law recently went to a Cold Water Creek retail store that was going out of business and got a killer deal on a pair of pants and a crazy gold sweater thing for me. Unfortunately, she did not inquire as to my current size, so they’re a bit too big and can’t be returned because obviously, the store is closing.

I’ve inquired with my friends and family but these jeans and crazy, gold sweater don’t have a new home to go to, yet. That being said, I am turning to my blogging-gal-pals to see if anyone of you would like these before they get donated?

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Cold Water Creek Size 20 Jeans, Natural Fit, Sits at waist, Shaped through hips and thighs, slim leg. Also featured the black stripe going down the side.

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Crazy Gold Sweater thing. Cold Water Creek XL 16. I tried it on & felt it was big in the armpit area but, Gold just isn't my color.

I don’t know if the stripe is gonna be make or break for some people on the jeans. They felt good in the legs, which I was surprised at because they are slim leg. Very flattering, I just couldn’t keep them up at the waist and I avoid belts at all costs because I’m still working with a tender lower back. They’re surprisingly light, as in weight. Not so heavy!

They’re literally brand new, you guys. Still tags on them of the ridiculous prices they used to be. It will probably cost me more to send these via USPS to someone than the deal my MIL got on ’em, so yeah, nothing to feel shy about!

Additionally, would any of you be into an online clothing swap kinda thing? Create a group or add a page to my blog or something? I’ve been tossing the idea around for awhile, just not sure if it is worth starting or not. I realize not everyone will have something at all times, but I am sure it could save money along the way. We’ll see!

If anyone wants the jeans or sweater (they do not have to go to the same home), leave a comment and let me know! We can figure it out from there.

P.S. – I feel like I should re-mention that I have felines. I’ve done my best to keep this stuff out of the way, with minimal to no cat hair on them, but I know some people have really bad allergies!

Weigh-In Day

Just over five months into this self-overhaul. I don’t think I’ve ever stuck with a regimen for this long before. A bit sad, but true.

My efforts seem to paying off, though:

Starting Weight, Feb 2014: 261.2lbs
Weight Last Week: 220.0lbs
Current Weight: 216.9lbs
Weekly Loss: 3.1lbs
Total Loss: 44.3lbs

I was pretty surprised, I gotta say. I only had a couple days last week carved out specifically for workouts. It’s still triple digit heat in severe drought conditions combined with energy flex alerts to use less and less of everything, means it is getting so much harder to find a cool time of the day to workout in peace, alone, within time constraints . One day last week I worked out so hard in such high heat I nearly passed and/or gave myself heat stroke. Dummy. I’ve been trying to get movement in by chasing my son around the house, small sprints, crawling around, etc. I work up a pretty good sweat and we have an awesome time. I am not sure how to track that kinda thing on My Fitness Pal though.

I got pretty off track there, I guess I meant to say that I am partly attributing the weight loss last week to sweating my lady-balls off. That’s okay, my body retained for weeks, I’ll take it!

This officially puts me out of the 220s and pretty close to 200 or lower, that’s exciting and scary. I would say the last time I was around this weight was my freshman year in high school? 15 years ago. Shit. I’m basing that on clothes size. Anyway. There’s that. For now, my small term goal is to get to 210.

I think I can, I think I can…..

Insecurities and Bullies (some explicit language)

Bullies, man.

Recently, something came up that has sent a huge flare of fear right up and down my entire being. An old fear, one I was not aware had any presence left.

A girl I was once friends with, even went to High School with, has unblocked me on Facebook. She hasn’t tried to contact me or anything like that but seeing her picture and knowing she could see mine through a mutual friend was enough to set this trigger off.

This girl was the first “friend” that ever called me a Fat Cunt. I think I was 19 or 20. She also hacked into my old LiveJournal (back when LJ was the  jam) and had modified my entire public profile and some posts stating what a fat, disgusting, c-word I was. I had a hard time getting my account back and I’ve basically stayed away from blogging ever since, at least up until recently. I’ve been terrified to put myself back out there as a result. Unfortunately, it wasn’t just her. She and another friend did that together and eventually tried to pin it on the other.

“Another friend” (aforementioned) stole some CDs from me when I briefly moved out of state in 2007. Some… sensitive photos were on them. Apparently she took them to her boyfriends house so she could show them to him and all his friends while they had a good laugh at my expense. Her boyfriend told me about it and as painful as it was for me to ask and hear, I asked him to describe some of those pics so I could know if he was telling
the truth or not. He was. She still denies she ever did it.

I have a brother who used to have a meth problem (almost 4 years sober, go Bro!). His go-to whenever I pissed him off, which was often enough, was to also tell me I was either, 1. A fat, fucking bitch or, 2. A fat, fucking cunt. He had a problem for 17 years so… I will leave it at that. Damage done.

My most recent bully was the last new real-life female friend I made. She was a lot younger than me (well, early 20s vs late 20s – its a huge difference as far as personal growth and development go). She was a fun friend but became very demanding. She wanted all of my time to herself, hanging out for an hour or two was never enough, it always had to be an excursion of sorts. She started emulating me and then she started treating me like I was her girlfriend. In 2011 sometime, she really flipped out one day. Hard. Enough so that I was sure she was using drugs or needed some kind of medication. I talked to her through the door for hours trying to get her to come out, she refused (this was over someone cleaning up the apt for her, ha). I was supposed to stay the night that night but obviously, at that point, there was no use. So, I left. I had only been away from my brother and his drug problem for a year at that point and I was going through the motions still, still am in a lot of ways. I had tried explaining this to my friend at the time, but it was never about what B needed, it was what she wanted and needed, always, and if you or me or anyone else couldn’t help her, somehow you “didn’t have her back” and became an instant enemy.

When I left that night, apparently I became her nemesis. Ever since, she has harrassed me about how I’ve ruined her life and everything bad that happened to her at that time was somehow my fault. Then, every couple of months, I would get a voice mail, text message or Facebook message from random accounts and numbers merely so should could tell me what an awful person I am, and again… This one called me a Fat Cunt or Bitch repeatedly, as well as started rumors about me in my hometown. She kept it up for a couple of years, I think it’s been over 6 months since any last contact. I have never once engaged in any of her attempts.

So, basically, seeing one girls picture has brought up all this shit for me to think about and process. I know it is important to acknowledge the fear so I can work through ut but damn, I am so afraid, that I will open my email or something to find another nastygram. These are just my adult bullies! I know I’ve been reluctant to new friendships, especially with females, as a result of everything above. I feel like I’m just waiting for someone to call me a Fat C again because that’s been the pattern.

I am transforming, though, physically and otherwise. I talked out loud about this with my husband this morning and it has helped. Writing it out has helped. It’s not like I ever have to talk to those people again. I guess my problem is I always hold out a sliver of hope that people will recognize their inner GOOD. Some people are just not good, but for the sake of these ladies mentioned, I hope they have calmed down and are finding their peace. I cannot help them.

Bullying takes its toll though, no matter what age. We, as adults, as individuals (and we need to remind the children in our lives, daily), do not have to give ANYONE the power to make us feel like less of a person. My niece and nephews are being bullied during the school year constantly. The other kids’ parents aren’t being proactive about it and the school agrees to meet with both sets of parents but then nothing. They have been told they should go kill themselves. They are 9, 11 and 13. It infuriates me. These things turn kids into unhappy adults. It has got to stop.

Now, a scale victory.

It’s Weigh-In Tuesday, everyone. I wasn’t even going to do it. I was still on a high from successfully being able to cross my legs that I thought it wasn’t necessary.

Well you know, curiosity got the best of me. I was feeling “skinny” so I decided to drop trou and take a gander:

Starting Weight: 261.2lbs
Weekly Loss/Gain: – 3.3lbs
Previous Weight: 223.3lbs
Current Weight: 220.0lbs
Total Overall Loss: 41.2lbs

Nuts! I weighed probably four times total and got the same number. Feels good after a couple of weeks of a plateau. I should listen to myself more often. Calm down, let it happen. Geez. I don’t know why having an even number show up makes it feel more significant, haha. It just does.

So, I told myself when I hit 40+lbs gone I would do a new progress side-by-side. I know I sort of posted one last week, but that’s alright.

Apologies in advance for quality/lighting and how tired I look today.

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41.2lbs down. That is the same tank top in both pictures. So crazy, I wore it in my "before" pic because it was my tightest one at the time and showed all the unhappy lumpy sides of me. Not now!

I chose this side to show you guys, because I consider it my bad side. I’m trying to change that. All my “sides” fucking rule.

Pardon, sometimes F-bombs are just personally appropriate.

I hope everyone has an equally awesome NSV or weigh-in (or just week if you aren’t trying to drop weight) and SOON, I think we all could use the boost.

🙂

Major NSV!

Last night, to my initial surprise, I caught myself doing something I’ve never been able to do before….

I can cross my legs like a lady now when I sit down. WHAT?

Yeah, it’s true. It made me feel dainty and girly. I never thought being able to do something that is so simple for others would make me feel so good. 🙂

Progress

I’ve spent a great deal of time the last few days pulling myself out of slumps. Forcing myself to workout, which I have and hard, too. Forcing myself to eat, to get my water in, fighting candy cravings.

Finally, I really pulled myself out today. I stretched for a LONG time, I jumped on the bike at a high resistance level (for me anyway), I was sweating so hard I felt like my face was melting off. I suppose you could say, I literally worked it out.

Then I got a voicemail from the doctors office regarding my abdominal ultrasound I just had. While no gallstones or kidney stones have been detected, a small spot on my liver has. The message clearly indicates that it is probably not cancerous but we still need to see what’s up with it so that my Doctor was sending a request to see another doctor to get treatment, whatever it may be.

I listened to the voicemail, I told my husband. Then, I jumped in the shower. Are they just telling me that to make me feel better and not stress? Or would have they not said anything at all if they thought it was something worse? I don’t know. I’m trying to keep my cool about it. I know it could be a result of weight loss and body adjustments and years of previous bodily abuse via drinking (which I no longer do, really, not for about 5 years now) and poor food choices. I don’t know. I guess we will see, I just can’t stand the waiting. Things like this really make me long the most for my family and friends. I haven’t made any friends here because my town is filled with older folk. They’re nice and all, just not relatable.

Anyway, to try and keep myself out of the slump-hole, I thought I would post some stuff that I am proud of.

My Progress

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New progress photo! Is it just me or can you totally see some muscle in my flex pic? Haha. I've come a long way!

My Mini Urban Garden

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My first garden pull! I had planted a small bolting white onion and ended up with giant green onion things. My veggie garden... Tomatoes in the big guy, cucumber in the rectangle planter, sunflowers in the green, basil in front of that, chives and strawberries starting in the seedling pots

Healthy Tracking Habits

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50 day streak on MFP as of today! Nuts!

These are all things to be proud of and sometimes I need to remind myself of all the good I am doing and happening and not fret over something that is an unknown, at this time.

I hope everyone is trying to find their silver lining daily. It’s there, sometimes you just have to look extra hard.