Anxiety and health rant; weigh-in

So, a lot has been happening as of late. I’m still trying to figure out how much of it was in my head.  Though undiagnosed, I am quite sure I suffer from some form of anxiety. Let’s review this past week.

I had to run to the nearest corner store the other day. I was wearing shorts and a tank top, since its been 95-102 for a few weeks.. upon my arrival, however, seems the rest of this little city decided they were going to stop there too. I sat in the car, blood pressure totally spiked, starting to sweat, staring out my mirrors until everyone left. Yeah, I said it. I was afraid of children being brutally honest about my appearance or my thighs eating my shorts when I stepped out of the car and having to adjust that in front of people. It’s just stupid. I put a lot of that on myself, but experience tells me people are mean. I’m working on it. Nobody else out there knows I lost almost forty pounds now, so my 200+ frame is still undesirable, aesthetically. I can always tell when people truly don’t care and when people feel offended by my fat. I wonder how long this will take to wean the anxiety away. I shouldn’t care, really. I feel a lot better and most days I feel more confident than not, so I suppose that in itself is progress.

I also finally had my Doctor’s appointments I’ve been waiting weeks for. I know the torture of waiting for those appointments put me in a seriously weird headspace. Everything felt increasingly amplified as days went on. I went Wednesday (all by myself, mind you – it was not easy, I got so nervous and anxious I threw up all morning) was to see my obgyn about some lumps on my chest. He said it is inflamed breast tissue, initially likely from weight loss, strength training and… sigh….continued because of my poking at it. Yep. He said I probably didn’t notice the texture before because more fat was there and I likely could not feel it as easily. Told me that breast tissue can go as high up as the collar bone and up/under the armpits, which I did not previously know. So, ice it, ibuprofen if it bothers me after strength training and stop poking at it. Ha. I felt dumb, but he insisted always to check things like this out, especially when losing weight. Which makes sense. A lot of us don’t know how our bodies will function or feel like as we drop fat, especially when reaching unfamiliar territory. He said he will request an ultrasound anyway as my mom has had benign cysts in her breast tissue post weight loss. So there’s that. I feel way better and am on my way to less prodding in the area.

Thursday, I had an abdomen ultrasound appointment. I was pretty sure I was having gallbladder attacks back in March and April and since both my sister and mom had theirs out, I finally brought it up to my GP early June. Anyway, the tech, while reminding me that she does not diagnose and the radiologist has final say, did tell me that she didnt see any gallstones or kidney stones and all my organs looked otherwise OK. So, more good news! I will have to narrow down those pains, though. It has to be digestive I’m thinking.

Now if I can get the eye appointment down and the dental work going I might just pass for a suitable adult. We will see.

I can’t be the only person completely afraid to find out about their health, right? I did not have insurance growing up so we went in for emergencies only. I’ve had chronic strep and tonsillistis throughout my life, but that is all I knew before a couple years ago. I still need to go do bloodwork since we are keeping an eye on my LDL (168 in Dec,135 in March, normal range being 0-99, so almost normal) and though I know my diet has improved since earlier this year and I’ve lost a decent amount of weight as well, my #s should be improving..
. the knot in my stomach forms anyway. I know nothing else is out of range except LDL. So why do I do this to myself? Aaahh. I get like this when I have to call someone, anyone as well. I always feel better once I get going, it’s just the before, the leading-up-to. Eek.

So, the four weeks of waiting for those appointments took their toll on me in many ways. I worried myself physically ill, I lost sleep, I really lost my appetite and I didn’t talk about it like I should have. Those appointments could have gone either way and this time was in my favor. I am beyond grateful. My health is quite good right now and I am thankful; I need to calm my shit down.

Speaking of ailments, my poor son still has a case of summer spicy butt. It seems to be there for a couple days, dry out and start again. He wails during diaper changes and swats at me to stop. It makes me feel like such a dick. I know he doesn’t get it but I do try to explain to him what I am doing and why. I feel like he needs to know I’m not wiping butt cream on him to hurt his tuckus, it serves a purpose even if it’s unpleasant. I’ve also let him loose, well in the play pen, completely in the baby buff to air out along with baking soda baths. Once he starts walking it shouldn’t be so bad. Right now he only takes a couple of steps.

Well, that part was longer than intended. I did get my weigh-in done on Tuesday though!

Starting (2/13): 261.2lbs
Last Week: 227.5lbs
Current (7/1): 223.8lbs
Weekly Loss: -3.7lbs
Total Loss: 37.4lbs

Almost out of the 220s! Maybe I will actually maybe it to under 200 by my wedding anniversary in late October!  I hope so. One of my friends is getting married on that same day, so I will be seeing a lot of people I used to know in school and stuff. We’ll see. 🙂

Hopefully the decompression of stress will free up my brain for more updates and greater productivity.

In the meantime, here’s my little garden guys.


Cucumber, sunflowers, cat grass and Tomatoes!


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