Recently, something came up that has sent a huge flare of fear right up and down my entire being. An old fear, one I was not aware had any presence left.
A girl I was once friends with, even went to High School with, has unblocked me on Facebook. She hasn’t tried to contact me or anything like that but seeing her picture and knowing she could see mine through a mutual friend was enough to set this trigger off.
This girl was the first “friend” that ever called me a Fat Cunt. I think I was 19 or 20. She also hacked into my old LiveJournal (back when LJ was the jam) and had modified my entire public profile and some posts stating what a fat, disgusting, c-word I was. I had a hard time getting my account back and I’ve basically stayed away from blogging ever since, at least up until recently. I’ve been terrified to put myself back out there as a result. Unfortunately, it wasn’t just her. She and another friend did that together and eventually tried to pin it on the other.
“Another friend” (aforementioned) stole some CDs from me when I briefly moved out of state in 2007. Some… sensitive photos were on them. Apparently she took them to her boyfriends house so she could show them to him and all his friends while they had a good laugh at my expense. Her boyfriend told me about it and as painful as it was for me to ask and hear, I asked him to describe some of those pics so I could know if he was telling
the truth or not. He was. She still denies she ever did it.
I have a brother who used to have a meth problem (almost 4 years sober, go Bro!). His go-to whenever I pissed him off, which was often enough, was to also tell me I was either, 1. A fat, fucking bitch or, 2. A fat, fucking cunt. He had a problem for 17 years so… I will leave it at that. Damage done.
My most recent bully was the last new real-life female friend I made. She was a lot younger than me (well, early 20s vs late 20s – its a huge difference as far as personal growth and development go). She was a fun friend but became very demanding. She wanted all of my time to herself, hanging out for an hour or two was never enough, it always had to be an excursion of sorts. She started emulating me and then she started treating me like I was her girlfriend. In 2011 sometime, she really flipped out one day. Hard. Enough so that I was sure she was using drugs or needed some kind of medication. I talked to her through the door for hours trying to get her to come out, she refused (this was over someone cleaning up the apt for her, ha). I was supposed to stay the night that night but obviously, at that point, there was no use. So, I left. I had only been away from my brother and his drug problem for a year at that point and I was going through the motions still, still am in a lot of ways. I had tried explaining this to my friend at the time, but it was never about what B needed, it was what she wanted and needed, always, and if you or me or anyone else couldn’t help her, somehow you “didn’t have her back” and became an instant enemy.
When I left that night, apparently I became her nemesis. Ever since, she has harrassed me about how I’ve ruined her life and everything bad that happened to her at that time was somehow my fault. Then, every couple of months, I would get a voice mail, text message or Facebook message from random accounts and numbers merely so should could tell me what an awful person I am, and again… This one called me a Fat Cunt or Bitch repeatedly, as well as started rumors about me in my hometown. She kept it up for a couple of years, I think it’s been over 6 months since any last contact. I have never once engaged in any of her attempts.
So, basically, seeing one girls picture has brought up all this shit for me to think about and process. I know it is important to acknowledge the fear so I can work through ut but damn, I am so afraid, that I will open my email or something to find another nastygram. These are just my adult bullies! I know I’ve been reluctant to new friendships, especially with females, as a result of everything above. I feel like I’m just waiting for someone to call me a Fat C again because that’s been the pattern.
I am transforming, though, physically and otherwise. I talked out loud about this with my husband this morning and it has helped. Writing it out has helped. It’s not like I ever have to talk to those people again. I guess my problem is I always hold out a sliver of hope that people will recognize their inner GOOD. Some people are just not good, but for the sake of these ladies mentioned, I hope they have calmed down and are finding their peace. I cannot help them.
Bullying takes its toll though, no matter what age. We, as adults, as individuals (and we need to remind the children in our lives, daily), do not have to give ANYONE the power to make us feel like less of a person. My niece and nephews are being bullied during the school year constantly. The other kids’ parents aren’t being proactive about it and the school agrees to meet with both sets of parents but then nothing. They have been told they should go kill themselves. They are 9, 11 and 13. It infuriates me. These things turn kids into unhappy adults. It has got to stop.