Feeling…..bleu

Today I feel…. a little melancholy.

I really miss my family and my friends further North in the state. I am in a perpetual state of “broke as f….” and I know my soonest trip up will be late October for a friends wedding (which happens to be on our wedding anniversary, not sure how that will work out time-wise). I know it doesn’t seem like too far off, but my heart and soul ache for my loves. All of them.

I learned a few days ago that my Uncle had/has colon cancer. He’s had surgery but he’s also had complications – his system isn’t functioning properly and he’s throwing up green liver bile. His words. That’s the last I’ve heard and that was on the 18th. He’s been in the hospital nearly two weeks. I didn’t even know about this Uncle until maybe nine years ago? I didn’t even get in touch with him or meet him finally until late 2009/early 2010. I think I’m the only one of my siblings that has met him, save my brother who discovered him living so near us back when he was delivering pizza. True story. I can’t count on my Dad to provide information as he likely doesn’t have any or doesn’t care or even know (half-brothers) and I don’t have his wife’s phone number. The only person I can get updates from is my Uncle. Pickle. Big ol’ pickle.

That very same brother who found my Uncle years ago was in the area this weekend visiting his kids. He let me know he was nearby. Given our tumultuous past and his former drug problem, I found myself surprised that I was excited to hang out with or see him. That changed quickly when I text him this afternoon to see if he had started his trip back yet and I got a “leaving now, maybe next time”. Well, okay.

I understand we don’t have space to host people or even some sort of reserve for trips and things but dang, man. I’ve spent most of my life always traveling to see others, picking people up, dropping them off, being an ear, a shoulder, anything. I have always and still, do for others. I know Karma is coming some day with some bitchin’ news, I am just feeling impatient.

Even some of the friends I’d like to see most don’t even live in the same state. I need trips to WA, UT and CO. Or I need people from these states sent my way. Ha.

I don’t know why I’ve had such a hard time making friends here. I suspect it’s because initially we thought we would be here for six months so I didn’t want to get attached. Then it was more about the community – lots of seniors and people mostly needing a helping hand versus an actual friend. No one near my age with or without kid(s). After I had my son and ballooned up again I just got depressed and decided to stop trying. Now, it’s a little different. People have moved in with kids in the area and I say hello when we are all outside but no one stops and chats here. A quick nod and a how-do-ya-do. So impersonal. It’s not for lack of trying, anymore; people don’t seem to have time or patience for inter personal relationships or happenings in their own neighborhood. Makes me a little sad. Also pretty sure I just answered my own question!

Ahhh life, just gets a different kind of complicated as we get older.  This too, shall pass…… πŸ™‚

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2 thoughts on “Feeling…..bleu

  1. hey, b.

    sorry to hear you’re feeling melancholy. i actually live in CO, so i can send some rocky mountain love your way (even though that doesn’t bring you here or bring your people to you).

    if it’s any consolation, i have a hard time maintaing friendships with people my own age, too. my neighbors aren’t chatty either and since i’m not your typical college co-ed, for the first time in my life i don’t have more than a couple of friends at school.

    ah well. as you say, life gets more complicated the older you get.

    cheer up girl! πŸ™‚

    • Thanks Rachael πŸ™‚

      I don’t know that it gets more complicated, just different I suppose. I have been out of my comfort zone for a long time, which hasn’t been all bad; I got this health journey started after all. I’ve grown in a lot of ways being so far from friends and family over the last three years in some very necessary ways. I think I am just ready to fully be me in all my good and bad glory with everyone again. I hope that makes sense. Though, I feel I should add, without the time away from them I don’t think I could have gotten my health on track – at the time the circumstances didn’t allow for anything except survival mode. I didn’t understand it then but I do now. I’m not sure how into that I will ever get on this blog….

      I get so wordy, sorry, haha!

      I love me the Rockies. Been obsessed since I was 12 – went to visit my childhood best friend after she moved there for two weeks. Clearly left an impression. Many favorites of mine reside in CO. πŸ™‚

      Ah…a novel. I must digress!

      xo,
      b.

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