I am having a problem.
My problem is paranoia.
My paranoia is about getting pregnant when I’m in the middle of this journey. I am not ready for another kid, quite yet.
You see, I got pregnant on birth control (the pill) with my son. I also know I was not super diligent about timing and around said time, I know I had some “make up days”. Urgh.
After I had my son I tried depo and it helped shoot me from 238 (which was my 6 week post partum weight, my pre pregnancy weight had been 235) into the 260s in a matter of six months and told my Doctor no , just no. He recommends the IUD at the time but they were out of them, so I got on the pill, again.
Now, though, I take it at the same time every, single, day. I even account for daylight savings time and all that. However, as far and few between as intimate times are with the hubs (mostly living situation circumstances), I cannot help but be paranoid that I’ve gotten pregnant until my period starts every time we do.
So, obviously this is plauging me now. I spotted kind of some days after the last time, which made me nervous. I also know my period has not been what I thought it was all these years as I’ve dropped pounds and inches. In fact, it’s basically a little different every month now since about May. My red devil is supposed to show up next week but I can’t shake the anxiety about this until it starts. Or doesnt, I guess.
So I guess my question is, am I the only one? Is it normal to get freaked out like this? My son is almost two, its not like he was JUST born. But its gotten to the point where even though I want to do it, I equally don’t out of fear. I’ve talked about it with my husband and he seemed to get the words I was saying, but not the feeling.
I guess, I feel a little selfish for wanting to continue to work on my health and my weight loss before we have another kid. This stupid game I play with myself is just that… Stupid. I don’t know how to stop the cycle though and I don’t want it to have a negative impact on my marriage. I don’t feel like my paranoia and anxiety are fair to either of us.
I am aware I could still choose the IUD and I even had an appointment in August – that I ended up canceling. One, it didn’t seem right to use a five year device for a year or less (family planning talks and all, my husband is much older than I am). Two, I’m no longer cool with the idea of putting and leaving a foreign object in my lady business. Uhhhh.
This post has been TMI. I apologize, but I need to put my crazy somewhere…. Ha.