Cater to the hollow

I’ve been crying a lot today.

I don’t know who else or where else to say it. My heart is heavy. I can’t remember the last time I was this sad about a human being… which, is really saying something about human beings, I guess.

I ordered a magnet on Shutterfly earlier this week with some sweet pics on it and it came today. I knew what it looked like, I friggin’ designed it. SO WHY DID IT MAKE ME SO UPSET TO GET IT? AND HOW COME HIS LITTLE VELCRO TIE MAKES MY HEART CHURN? 

I will attempt to keep my heartache to a dull roar. I’m sure it’s getting old.

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Nice tie, Mr. Pants

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Maxwell's resting quarters, the imprint the vets office did and his imprint from Christmas!

I feel like I’m just waiting. Waiting for what, though? Probably for January to be over. January and I don’t have a great history together. September and I usually have a problem too. I had my wisdom teeth and an erupted tooth out in September and well, you know, Max died a week ago tomorrow and I’ve been a pizza face all month. To be fair, I suppose I have to admit that January as a whole hasn’t been terrible, perhaps a little irritating with some sprinkles of sad, but there’s been a lot of good stuff too. I still just want it to be over, though, if not just to flip my calendar page for next month’s photos.

I feel taxed today. I’ve decided it’s… It’s everything. I guess it’s a good tired, if I had to classify it. Just feels like it’s stealing time from me I need, I have things to do, write, create.  Yet, here I am.

I should probably admit some food mishaps this week. I don’t even feel that bad but:

Wednesday, after we picked up Senor Kitty’s ashes, we also picked up dinner from Olive Garden. I’d had this $25 gifrcard for a long time so.. anyway. I got their 4 course dinner plus an extra appetizer and split it between 3 adults and my son gnawed on a breadstick. It was surprisingly enough food for all of us. It made me feel kinda gross that at one point I might have been able to finish 75%, if not all, of everything that came in my meal. What a difference a year can make!

Tonight, I had Wendy’s for the first time in a year. Chili and a potato. I’ve never been much of a burger gal.

Anyway, there it is. I hope it doesn’t reflect poorly next week. My body does not like this fast processed stuff though. It is no longer acclimated. That’s…relieving, I think.

We attempted the library today. My son lasted about 45 seconds before being the loudest person in the vicinity. How the shit do people get their kids to actually sit and be quiet for reading time without to t, sticky fingers stealing the book? Urgh. They all looked smaller than my boy, but I have got to remember the doctor told me he’s a big kid. He looks 3… but nay, he is 2. I’m always afraid I’m not doing enough for his development; a different issue for a different day. Point being, nobody enjoyed our presence us at the library today! Thats okay, we ran around outside instead. 🙂

Ashes

The veterinarian hospital we took our beloved Maxwell to when he passed has just called to inform me that his ashes are back and ready for pick-up.

I suppose, then, it’s no surprise that roughly 30 minutes before that I had a pretty random cry-fest in his memory. It’s weird to be excited about something a little morbid but alas, I am. Some friends and family keep asking me what I’m going to do with them. Well, I’m going to have a barbecue of course! I feel like it’s a silly question. I’m going to keep them, at least for now. Max wasn’t a dog, he didn’t have a favorite spot that wasn’t on my bed or my lap or with his claws stuck in my hair. If anything, he did like climbing up trees. I am entertaining the thought of turning him into a Japanese Maple tree via Bio Urn when we move and eventually have property.

I’m ready, I think. I wasn’t really expecting them to be ready until Friday or Monday. They even asked how I wanted his name positioned on the box. Maxwell Silverhammer. Kitty-pants, ahhh… and naturally, my toddler is fighting nap-time for two hours now. I’ve conceded he will be skipping the nap, hubbo still trying. It’s not going to end pretty.

I’m not ready to really be out in public though. There can be physical consequences and manifestations as a result of so much ugly-crying. Such being the constellation of pimples that has arrived on my face or the small planet of fever blisters under my nose this time (on the opposite side of last time) that are in an ugly, scabbing healing phase. My husband keeps suggesting outdoorsy, people infested activities and… he’s probably right, but my face, man.

Other projects moving along nicely, I feel like I’ve been pretty productive this week and it’s been personally insightful and reflective. I am impatient about one of two things I am working on that I am most excited about, but I can’t do that until after the first. At some point I should have a bombardment of awesome stuff in the mail coming my way which will (well, some) go out to other people. I just want to organize everything. I want to organize your stuff to. I don’t want to steal it, I just want it to look CLEAN as fuuuuu.

I really do enjoy organizing stuff. I’m not sure why. It’s amplified when I am sad but I’m generally down.

I need a change of scenery, I need to get back into the workouts that helped me be successful when I started. I need to commit to body weight circuits again and figure out what I want to do for cardio. I need to find new recipes so my “old” recipes don’t become old. I need to expand my pallet. All things to work on. I have so many different to-do lists it’s a little nuts, but they make sense to me and they don’t overwhelm.

Speaking of, I need to stop this and get back to those. Although, trying to post more than once a week is technically on my list, so…

Weigh-in Day

Alright, here we are. The first weigh-in post pet-loss! Did better than I thought:

Starting Weight Feb 2014: 261.2lbs
Weight Last Week: 182.1lbs
Current Weight: 181.0lbs
Weekly +/-:  -1.2lbs
Total Shed: 80.2lbs

Not bad, considering I had days where I didn’t eat or drink anything and days where I had things like a frozen pizza and some chocolate chip cookies and, and, and… it probably wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be in my head, after all, I let go of over a pound!

So, that means I am just barely over 80lbs shed, gone and done with now! In less than a year! I could be a real person on one of those commercials, except no one actually wants to hear how much hard work it takes to get this far. Everyone is more than capable, at least I think so. You just have to grab a hold of your brain first and let it know that you are, in fact, technically your own brain, so you are in control. RIGHT? Something like that.

I kind of have a lot going on, you guys. I don’t mean all the weird luck and sadsies because of my cat; I have real life opportunities starting to arise. One of them I am currently working on and the other I cannot get started until after the 1st. I’m not sure how much of either I want to divulge at this moment, but I am excited where both of these things could take me some day! Also, I’ve been looking for/applying for PT work in the mean-time. I keep complaining about wanting to get out of SoCal so I’m trying to do something about it. Baby steps, as long as there are steps.

NOTHING CHANGES IF EVERYTHING STAYS THE SAME.

I tell my mom something similar when the topic of my eldest brother comes up…. “if you aren’t trying and he isn’t trying then nobody is trying and nothing is changing, so it all stays the same. You can’t sit there and do nothing, get nothing and be surprised about it”. So, I’m listening to myself. So far, I think it’s working.

Good things are coming despite all the odd things that have happened over the last few months, I can feel it. I hope to make some friends along the way!

RIP Maxwell Kitty-Pants

1007111846I’m not sure how many of you are actively following me at this point since I’ve been a little touch-and-go about posting the last few months, but some of you know I was worried a month or so back that my cat, Maxwell, was not doing so well.

Yesterday morning, my sweet Maxwell finally passed away just before he turned 10 years-old. My heart is heavy and my eyes have been swollen for days. We were with him 24-7 the last few days of his life to provide comfort and love and his orange brothers laid on either side of him as it happened. One even stood guard over his body until we were able to get him to the vets office to start the cremation process (& yes, I’m definitely getting his ashes back).

He was one of my best friends. He never disappointed me, he was loyal and a true cats-cat. He was my sons first best friend (and a stellar example of what a real friend is like) and he was with me through some of the most tumultuous and awesome times in my life. He was my dude, my kitty-dude & always dressed to impress as he was always ready for an interview or black-tie affair. 😉

The picture in this post is from September of 2011. It was a particularly liberating day and for me that day  and I LOVE that Max is giving me kisses in it. I will always remember him as the parrot-kitten on my shoulder, getting his claws stuck on EVERYTHING and the guy always trying to steal my food and squeaking instead of meowing – not as the frail guy he was at the end. I even told him, “these last weak moments do not define your entire life, we just have to get through this part to get to the next adventure”. I assured him he would see his former fallen friends (like his bff, my old dog, Sophie) where he was headed. He was very calm toward the end and I am thankful for that.

I feel a little weird proclaiming my love so hard for my feline friend but we shared a decade together, the most important of my life so far. I miss him so much my body physically aches from head to toe. My other kitties, his two brothers, are still sulking today and that’s hard to see too. Not to mention my son is used to hugging and cuddling Max everyday (as he was the only of the 3 who would let him) so, seeing my boy look for his cat kinda sucks even though we tried our best to be honest and explain as well and simple we could to a two year-old.

I can’t write anymore about Max or I will lose my shit and I’ve been OK today as far as crying goes.

I did still weigh-in this week, no change from last week. Was chillin’ at 182.1lbs on 1/20 – we will see what Tuesday brings after such a hard week and hard loss.

I love you, Maxwell Silverhammer. Please come visit me in my dreams.

Chin up, move forward!

(Late) Weigh-in #2 of 2015

You know, I got this post ready to go yesterday and then it completely fell off of my radar! Apologies.

Starting Weight Feb 2014: 261.2lbs 
Weight Last Week: 184.3lbs
Current Weight: 182.1lbs
Weekly +/-:  -2.2lbs
Total Shed: 79.1lbs

Alright! Finally below my weight a few weeks back (last weigh-in of 2014 I was 183.9lbs). The holiday bloating and gains are gone! I feel good about it, I really do.

I don’t remember if I mentioned in my last post that we were getting our car back that day? We did! I’m obviously walking less but I haven’t stopped walking. My son got so used to going for a walk at least once or twice a day I’ve got to keep some of the momentum. Sometimes we do a quick one around the block (it’s just over a mile), today we plan on getting to a park today so we can all burn some energy. There was a day we didnt get a walk in due to weather, so I jumped back on the stationary bike for 20min at a level 6 resistance thinking, “no problem!” – It was a problem. My knees and butt are so sore! Needed to happen but I guess I didn’t realize what pretty much just walking all the time was doing to my riding abilities. It’s nice to have my workout options back and nice to go on walks that don’t require four pit stops and a stroller full of groceries. Much more relaxed now.

Speaking of workouts…..

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Completed 30 workouts since joining the MapMyFitness winter workout challenge in December! Still 25 days left!

I have actually completed more but it only allows.one qualifying per day. Naturally this week’s challenge is to log as many walking workouts as you can. Ha. I also joined another challenge that started on the 6th?

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It says 15 days out of a month but the workout gauge goes to 31?

I kind of like these things. Makes me feel pretty sure I will get even the simplest workout in, which I have been. I walked more October thru December than I had since Junior High School, I think. They say a leisurely walk is a gift…. 🙂

Last week on Tuesday my son had his 2 year wellness physical. He’s healthy, she’s not concerned he isn’t talking as well as his vocab is at a minimum and he’s understanding/comprehending. Apparently he’s Amazonian because he’s the height and weight of an average 3 year-old. Doing something right!

Last Thursday I met with a new doctorell, NP. She seems like she use to be military by her approach. She yelled a little and gave some back handed compliments about my former weight versus current weight. When I inquired about whether or not the migraine/migraine-like headaches I’ve been experiencing during my lady times, she said she was surprised I ever used to get a period, “you know, since you were so heavy” – the funk is that about?! All the while congratulating me for the loss and trying to figure out if I was lying about my success being due to diet/exercise and personal determination. Very awkward and unpleasant experience. Just need run lipid and cbc panels and get results and then hopefully I won’t need to deal with her again. I want a health provider willing be a cheerleader AND a drill sergeant and know when to be which. My last PA was too soft, this one is too hard.

Eye exams scheduled next! Been looking for jobs, too. Busy, busy. I need things to move forward. Nothing changes if nothing is changing, right?

New Year Weigh-In

Happy New Year, everyone! I know, I didn’t get to a stats post and I apologize. I woke up NYDay with a nose full of fever blisters and, obviously, a fever. On the mend, I think. Still nursing a low grade fever.

Here we go:

Starting Weight Feb 2014: 261.2lbs 
Weight Last Week: 188.9lbs
Current Weight: 184.3lbs
Weekly +/-:  -4.6lbs
Total Shed: 76.9lbs

Alright! So definitely a lot of water weight and it’s very clear I worked to get rid of it. That being said, the red devil should be here literally any minute so, I am trying not to be bummed that I’m not back down to 183.2 or lower from two weeks ago. I will get there. I must be good and patient with myself! My husband weighs in with me on Tuesdays as well and I am happy to report that he is 56+lbs down and back to the weight he was when we started dating! Still some to go for us both but it is a big morale booster to hit such a major goal!

Here is a look at my holiday weight fluctuations over the last three months:

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I was too lazy to crop the stuff off of my phone, sorry! There is also, missing that is, the water weight gain from the week after TG but it basically looked like last week's gain!

So, I mean, see? Haha! By by 2015 I am over 70+lbs down, I am under 200lbs and have stayed so consistently since Sept 2014 and I am stronger, healthier and more flexible than I have been in all of my teenage to adult life.

February 13 will mark one year since I decided to take my life, body and health back. I know I won’t reach 100lbs down by them but I am no longer in the arms of morbid obesity and so for that, I am very proud of myself and grateful for this place to record it and all of you and your support! Looking forward to what we can bring this year!