It’s been awhile!

I’ve gotten a couple new phones (loooong story!) & have been surviving triple digit heat for at least a month now.

What is new in my world? I feel like….. nothing. That isn’t true though, maybe just “nothing” to everyone else. Lots of family stuff, some secret-ish, some not. It feels overwhelming.

How do I explain w/o spilling the beans? Who is going to read said beans I am afraid to spill? How much do I care anymore?

I DO NOT LIKE SECRETS, which is odd because I’ve kept myself faux-secret here. That was mostly due to internet stalking from a former friend who found me on Instagram last week anyway. I digress…

Much of my life or family life or even family history has been shrouded in this cloud of mystery for most of my life and it has ALWAYS bothered me. How do I answer medical history when my mom was adopted and dad has been aloof this whole time and weird about his personal information? That’s just a small example.

I don’t know my Dad that well but I have been trying for several years. Some of those years did not go well; some of those years were spent making assumptions about me that weren’t true. How could he even know, why wouldn’t he just listen? After all, he initiated contact with me when I was 15. Sigh. My Dad. A big mystery. A super secretive person. It’s too bad really, I know I get my tech smarts from him, my ability to figure things out and my overall work ethic. Those are cool things to inherit from a parent.

My Dad told me a few weeks before my birthday this year (or confirmed, after I finally said something last year) that I have two additional half-siblings. What the what?! I knew about one, was not expecting two.

I’m not even mad about it because I expected as much after one of my brothers telling me years ago our Dad knew spongebob songs. Unless you’re a super child-like adult, come on. What I am irritated by I guess, is the lack of progress made to tell everyone else. I don’t expect magic but I don’t want to be left hanging either. In fact, I only created aforementioned Instagram in case they ever want to find me when they’re told about THE FIVE OF US.

You see, this makes me officially the middle child of 7. Which, you really gotta laugh at right? Or try to! We range from (almost) 42 to 12. Many of my nieces and nephews (now have?) have an Aunt and Uncle same age or younger than they are. This is…. Strange.

This also makes me connect a lot of dots and lines I want confirmed. Like when I was 15 and my Dad started getting in contact – is it because his wife was preggers with my brother at the time and he was feeling guilty? Who knows.  The whole thing has been a summer-long mind game.

Did I mention little brothers birthday is the day after mine? And little sisters is two weeks before my older sisters? Will they be okay with the idea of having 5 brothers and sisters?

Ugh. I am not mad, it just makes my brain and stomach churn when I think about it. How do we proceed? Will we proceed? Is Dad just gonna wait til they’re older to tell them? He’s only told 3 of the 5 of us that I know of since May. I only live an hour away from them and that’s weird. Sometimes I think he’s going to wait to tell them until he’s sure I have moved out of the area. Maybe that is just being paranoid. I’m 31, I feel like I shouldn’t care so much but I do.

It is just hard to always be answering questions and never have them answered when you’re the one asking. Half the things I am asked by my dad I’m sure he’d never answer if tables were turned.

Lots of other stuff going on with one of my brothers kids. Trying to move, get to sea level financially…

Jamberry business is growing and doing well and my weight is at about 163lbs right now. I’ve been totally stuck here for a couple months, just barely unable to reach that 100lb mark! Soon…

Until then, just keep swimming, right?