Life is Weird

Mine has been a rollercoaster for a few weeks now, but I’ve done OK. MONTHLY WEIGH IN!

Starting Weight 2/2014: 261.2lbs
Weight 5/5/15: 169.5lbs
Weight 6/2/15: 168.2lbs
+/-:  -1.3lbs
Total Shed: -93lbs

I will take it and roll with it. It’s not easy at this juncture, however, I am only 7lbs shy of shedding 100lbs. Holy shit!

I’m very aware what fat is left has likely been on me or “stored” the longest. It’s only 25lbs. But it’s 25lbs, you know?  I’ve been looking into the best way to keep lean muscle and build energy sans caffeine.

It’s definitely a lack of amino acids for me after having spent the last few weeks using the powers of deduction.  So, I’m going to focus there and on nutrients as a whole. I eat well, but I still am not getting enough of what my body needs to keep operating optimally. I felt significantly better after what I’ve tried, so I’m headed that route. When I’ve got more experience under my belt perhaps I will reveal. 🙂

Sunday is my birthday! I will be 31.

30 has been good to me, extremely challenging in a lot of ways but look at me now, eh? If I can accomplish half of what I did during 30 I am all set.

We are supposed to drive North for it to see my family and friends. I’m really nervous since we are taking the very car that died on us during our last trip ANYWHERE besides this little town in October ’14.  A lot of…things… Have come up. Some things I’ve waited my entire life for (and am both excited/nervous about) and some things involving a niece and nephews and… It’s all um.

It’s a lot, man. People keep coming to me about this ultra-heavy, super-sensitive stuff. I can take it, I might be one of the best people in the family to come to if you’re looking for someone to understand perspective, actually listen and approach you/the situation logically. I’m okay with helping facilitate where need be. It just feels like me wanting to celebrate being alive another year is definitely going to get thrown on the back burner. My birthday never quite turns out the way I always hope it will!

I will make the best of it, I always do.. I think it will be a good year for everyone I love as a whole. Lots and lots of change coming my way, our way, your way!

On the upside… a real move is looking possible for us some time this summer – need good vibes and fingers crossed!
I need me a small chunk o’ land!

Life and things like it

Hello.

I always feel like it’s been awhile every single time I post now. It is not my intention, in fact, my intentions are good. My eyeballs, they are not.

I have needed glasses probably since my son was born. Finally got to the optometrist in January but only now have ordered my glasses. Glasses are fucking expensive. Plain and simple. My brother pointed me in the direction of Zenni Optical which is GREAT. Two pair for under $50.

Point being, my eyes hurt so much
They have been strained and sore, tired, burning and achy for quite some time. I’ve never had to have glasses before, so I am interested to see what i may have been missing out on the last couple years. It’s hard to get anything done on a computer or phone when your eyes want to burst out of their sockets. So, I have been trying to stick to what feels necessary on the pc and otherwise try to stay away until my eyeballs are feeling refreshed.

Plus I am still working with a cracked phone screen and a dinosaur lappy. I should cut myself a little slack.

It’s kind of silly though, I mean, I started this Jamberry Nails consulting and it requires everything to be on the internet. A tangled web we weave! I haven’t decided if I should share that link here, if anyone would care, since thats not the general premise of this blog. What is though? Weight loss?

What is weight loss? Just a step in the overall journey. Weight loss is life and the things that accompany it. Weight loss is not the be all end all, it just IS. Some days it goes well and others it does not.

Look at me, preaching after some Captain crunch, ha!

Speaking of, I didn’t budge this week. No gain or loss to speak of which I am okay with currently – 173.1lbs btw. What’s bothering me is my recurring injury in the foot that is making everyday stuff excruciating. It’s just annoying. It’s also getting a lot harder to shed any lbs in general.

It’s been a weird week. Most of the time I can find the good in people but this week I am struggling with it on so many levels. My most disappointing momets for the last two months involve family/friends not helping out their niece/grandaughter for this online diaper raffle I have been trying to throw for her. $150 in two months should be easy but we are still $80 short because everyone else is still concerned with how they are feeling about this girls pregnancy because of her age and being single, meanwhile she’s 9 weeks out, scared and not feeling one bit grounded or secure. How selfish her family is being. It really churns my heart too, as I have known them quite awhile. I have been there for her since day one, albeit from afar, but I am glad I decided to make the commitment to be a source of support and advice for her (it is SUCH A LONG STORY, but I was the first person to know back in August).

I have always been able to consider all perspectives, it is as much a gift as it is a curse!

That being said, I think this new moon/equinox business has been making me feel a little anxious this week. I could use a little good juju and some fingers crossed that I start making some headway with this Jamberry stuff so we can move FORWARD!

please. 🙂

PS – my tomato seedlings from last year are thriving… Over a dozen tomatoes currently producing and baby Mantis’ have naturally made their way to the plant! No eggs, didn’t purchase any. Woohoo!

Weigh In Day & progress photos

Well, it’s 11:57pm on Tuesday, so it won’t be weigh-in day when this posts. It still counts, right?

Also, I apologize for missing last week’s weigh in. I’d had that experience with my niece (I’ve since made that post private out of respect – Rachael, I want you to know I really valued your input a lot, it helped put me in check. Thank you! I didn’t know how to send you a note more privately). I did weigh last week and I was still at 181. Two weeks of that.

Onto the goods:

Starting Weight Feb 2014: 261.2lbs
Weight Last Week: 181.0lbs
Current Weight: 175.7lbs
Weekly +/-:  -5.3lbs
Total Shed: 85.5lbs

Well dang, son. Pretty big loss for one week but my period started on weigh in day last week so, no further explanation. It’s kind of frustrating how that one time or week per month is so friggin unrealiable as far as weigh ins and measurements go. The fluctuation can be so gnarly and it can be hard to tell yourself, even if you know, that it’s water weight. You get all bloated and gross-feeling and some times pizza-facey. So the last thing you really want is a shitty weigh-in too right? Part of the cycle, I suppose. No pun intended, happy accident. It just seems hard to accept it and not weigh that week but also weird to know that you could be disappointed. I dunno, do you?

I was not disappointed, in fact quite pleased it had at least not gone up. Im just relating to the gals around here. It’s irritating and feels inconsistent on paper. Like you have to explain biology for making you look bad. Am I right?

So I felt pretty excited by my weigh in today. I’d been stuck in the 180s for quite some time. 2-3 months, maybe? I even shook my head “no”, moved the scale and weighed 2 more times. Booya. It’s for real.

That means I had to do progress pictures. Here they be!

image

image

image

image

Look at me, eh?! I don’t even look like the same person. This is why we take “before” pictures even when we cannot stand to see ourselves so raw. Because later, after some meltdowns and tears and weird emotional bullshit and new exercises that just might make you feel like the end is nigh…. You can do a side-by-side and feel like a badass. I feel like a badass.

I’ve taken progress pics roughly every 10-15lbs, closer to 10. This one caught me off guard, I didn’t think I had gotten rid of 5lbs but I’m okay with it. The point being, every time I’ve done a side-by-side, I’ve been impressed with myself. It’s given me the mojo to work off 10lbs more so I can do another side-by-side. Most importantly, I’ve been so proud of myself and I no longer flinch when I look at my before pictures. I’m fucking proud of her too, you know?

It’s been an interesting week. I started an at-home independent consulting gig with a product I enjoy. I don’t anticipate it will bring a lot in but something at least. So I don’t have to ask someone if I can buy tampons or worry about needing new shoes. It’s the little things, really. I’m participating in several online groups on Facebook which is really helping me branch out and network, which will be necessary for this consulting gig (I also kinda don’t feel comfortable being all hey! Help me earn $$! I really love all their products though so I have those speak for themselves).

I’ve been so isolated since we moved to So Cal. I haven’t made friends really. One girl kind of but you know, not really. Haha. No one to go blow steam off with and no sitters to go do anything with the hubs, either. It’s temporary though and that’s enough light at the end of the tunnel for me.

I’ve made a friend, at least I like to think, by way of modern pen-pal-ship. Something like that anyway. It’s been refreshing to communicate with someone I consider like-minded just doused in completely different experiences. Always makes for such interesting discussion. I like people – I like quality people – and she is a quality person.

I am still catching myself looking for MSH on the other side of the sliding glass door when I drive by. I know that will get easier with time and old habits are hard to break.

Ahh. I need to make time for some writing and art projects the rest of this week. I can’t wait until I am able to get better art supplies!

Rambling. I managed, somehow, a three hour nap by accident this afternoon. I went to plug in my phone to answer an email and suddenly it was 5:28pm. 🙂

Cater to the hollow

I’ve been crying a lot today.

I don’t know who else or where else to say it. My heart is heavy. I can’t remember the last time I was this sad about a human being… which, is really saying something about human beings, I guess.

I ordered a magnet on Shutterfly earlier this week with some sweet pics on it and it came today. I knew what it looked like, I friggin’ designed it. SO WHY DID IT MAKE ME SO UPSET TO GET IT? AND HOW COME HIS LITTLE VELCRO TIE MAKES MY HEART CHURN? 

I will attempt to keep my heartache to a dull roar. I’m sure it’s getting old.

Nice tie, Mr. Pants

image

Maxwell's resting quarters, the imprint the vets office did and his imprint from Christmas!

I feel like I’m just waiting. Waiting for what, though? Probably for January to be over. January and I don’t have a great history together. September and I usually have a problem too. I had my wisdom teeth and an erupted tooth out in September and well, you know, Max died a week ago tomorrow and I’ve been a pizza face all month. To be fair, I suppose I have to admit that January as a whole hasn’t been terrible, perhaps a little irritating with some sprinkles of sad, but there’s been a lot of good stuff too. I still just want it to be over, though, if not just to flip my calendar page for next month’s photos.

I feel taxed today. I’ve decided it’s… It’s everything. I guess it’s a good tired, if I had to classify it. Just feels like it’s stealing time from me I need, I have things to do, write, create.  Yet, here I am.

I should probably admit some food mishaps this week. I don’t even feel that bad but:

Wednesday, after we picked up Senor Kitty’s ashes, we also picked up dinner from Olive Garden. I’d had this $25 gifrcard for a long time so.. anyway. I got their 4 course dinner plus an extra appetizer and split it between 3 adults and my son gnawed on a breadstick. It was surprisingly enough food for all of us. It made me feel kinda gross that at one point I might have been able to finish 75%, if not all, of everything that came in my meal. What a difference a year can make!

Tonight, I had Wendy’s for the first time in a year. Chili and a potato. I’ve never been much of a burger gal.

Anyway, there it is. I hope it doesn’t reflect poorly next week. My body does not like this fast processed stuff though. It is no longer acclimated. That’s…relieving, I think.

We attempted the library today. My son lasted about 45 seconds before being the loudest person in the vicinity. How the shit do people get their kids to actually sit and be quiet for reading time without to t, sticky fingers stealing the book? Urgh. They all looked smaller than my boy, but I have got to remember the doctor told me he’s a big kid. He looks 3… but nay, he is 2. I’m always afraid I’m not doing enough for his development; a different issue for a different day. Point being, nobody enjoyed our presence us at the library today! Thats okay, we ran around outside instead. 🙂

Ashes

The veterinarian hospital we took our beloved Maxwell to when he passed has just called to inform me that his ashes are back and ready for pick-up.

I suppose, then, it’s no surprise that roughly 30 minutes before that I had a pretty random cry-fest in his memory. It’s weird to be excited about something a little morbid but alas, I am. Some friends and family keep asking me what I’m going to do with them. Well, I’m going to have a barbecue of course! I feel like it’s a silly question. I’m going to keep them, at least for now. Max wasn’t a dog, he didn’t have a favorite spot that wasn’t on my bed or my lap or with his claws stuck in my hair. If anything, he did like climbing up trees. I am entertaining the thought of turning him into a Japanese Maple tree via Bio Urn when we move and eventually have property.

I’m ready, I think. I wasn’t really expecting them to be ready until Friday or Monday. They even asked how I wanted his name positioned on the box. Maxwell Silverhammer. Kitty-pants, ahhh… and naturally, my toddler is fighting nap-time for two hours now. I’ve conceded he will be skipping the nap, hubbo still trying. It’s not going to end pretty.

I’m not ready to really be out in public though. There can be physical consequences and manifestations as a result of so much ugly-crying. Such being the constellation of pimples that has arrived on my face or the small planet of fever blisters under my nose this time (on the opposite side of last time) that are in an ugly, scabbing healing phase. My husband keeps suggesting outdoorsy, people infested activities and… he’s probably right, but my face, man.

Other projects moving along nicely, I feel like I’ve been pretty productive this week and it’s been personally insightful and reflective. I am impatient about one of two things I am working on that I am most excited about, but I can’t do that until after the first. At some point I should have a bombardment of awesome stuff in the mail coming my way which will (well, some) go out to other people. I just want to organize everything. I want to organize your stuff to. I don’t want to steal it, I just want it to look CLEAN as fuuuuu.

I really do enjoy organizing stuff. I’m not sure why. It’s amplified when I am sad but I’m generally down.

I need a change of scenery, I need to get back into the workouts that helped me be successful when I started. I need to commit to body weight circuits again and figure out what I want to do for cardio. I need to find new recipes so my “old” recipes don’t become old. I need to expand my pallet. All things to work on. I have so many different to-do lists it’s a little nuts, but they make sense to me and they don’t overwhelm.

Speaking of, I need to stop this and get back to those. Although, trying to post more than once a week is technically on my list, so…

(Late) Weigh-in #2 of 2015

You know, I got this post ready to go yesterday and then it completely fell off of my radar! Apologies.

Starting Weight Feb 2014: 261.2lbs 
Weight Last Week: 184.3lbs
Current Weight: 182.1lbs
Weekly +/-:  -2.2lbs
Total Shed: 79.1lbs

Alright! Finally below my weight a few weeks back (last weigh-in of 2014 I was 183.9lbs). The holiday bloating and gains are gone! I feel good about it, I really do.

I don’t remember if I mentioned in my last post that we were getting our car back that day? We did! I’m obviously walking less but I haven’t stopped walking. My son got so used to going for a walk at least once or twice a day I’ve got to keep some of the momentum. Sometimes we do a quick one around the block (it’s just over a mile), today we plan on getting to a park today so we can all burn some energy. There was a day we didnt get a walk in due to weather, so I jumped back on the stationary bike for 20min at a level 6 resistance thinking, “no problem!” – It was a problem. My knees and butt are so sore! Needed to happen but I guess I didn’t realize what pretty much just walking all the time was doing to my riding abilities. It’s nice to have my workout options back and nice to go on walks that don’t require four pit stops and a stroller full of groceries. Much more relaxed now.

Speaking of workouts…..

image

Completed 30 workouts since joining the MapMyFitness winter workout challenge in December! Still 25 days left!

I have actually completed more but it only allows.one qualifying per day. Naturally this week’s challenge is to log as many walking workouts as you can. Ha. I also joined another challenge that started on the 6th?

image

It says 15 days out of a month but the workout gauge goes to 31?

I kind of like these things. Makes me feel pretty sure I will get even the simplest workout in, which I have been. I walked more October thru December than I had since Junior High School, I think. They say a leisurely walk is a gift…. 🙂

Last week on Tuesday my son had his 2 year wellness physical. He’s healthy, she’s not concerned he isn’t talking as well as his vocab is at a minimum and he’s understanding/comprehending. Apparently he’s Amazonian because he’s the height and weight of an average 3 year-old. Doing something right!

Last Thursday I met with a new doctorell, NP. She seems like she use to be military by her approach. She yelled a little and gave some back handed compliments about my former weight versus current weight. When I inquired about whether or not the migraine/migraine-like headaches I’ve been experiencing during my lady times, she said she was surprised I ever used to get a period, “you know, since you were so heavy” – the funk is that about?! All the while congratulating me for the loss and trying to figure out if I was lying about my success being due to diet/exercise and personal determination. Very awkward and unpleasant experience. Just need run lipid and cbc panels and get results and then hopefully I won’t need to deal with her again. I want a health provider willing be a cheerleader AND a drill sergeant and know when to be which. My last PA was too soft, this one is too hard.

Eye exams scheduled next! Been looking for jobs, too. Busy, busy. I need things to move forward. Nothing changes if nothing is changing, right?