It’s been awhile!

I’ve gotten a couple new phones (loooong story!) & have been surviving triple digit heat for at least a month now.

What is new in my world? I feel like….. nothing. That isn’t true though, maybe just “nothing” to everyone else. Lots of family stuff, some secret-ish, some not. It feels overwhelming.

How do I explain w/o spilling the beans? Who is going to read said beans I am afraid to spill? How much do I care anymore?

I DO NOT LIKE SECRETS, which is odd because I’ve kept myself faux-secret here. That was mostly due to internet stalking from a former friend who found me on Instagram last week anyway. I digress…

Much of my life or family life or even family history has been shrouded in this cloud of mystery for most of my life and it has ALWAYS bothered me. How do I answer medical history when my mom was adopted and dad has been aloof this whole time and weird about his personal information? That’s just a small example.

I don’t know my Dad that well but I have been trying for several years. Some of those years did not go well; some of those years were spent making assumptions about me that weren’t true. How could he even know, why wouldn’t he just listen? After all, he initiated contact with me when I was 15. Sigh. My Dad. A big mystery. A super secretive person. It’s too bad really, I know I get my tech smarts from him, my ability to figure things out and my overall work ethic. Those are cool things to inherit from a parent.

My Dad told me a few weeks before my birthday this year (or confirmed, after I finally said something last year) that I have two additional half-siblings. What the what?! I knew about one, was not expecting two.

I’m not even mad about it because I expected as much after one of my brothers telling me years ago our Dad knew spongebob songs. Unless you’re a super child-like adult, come on. What I am irritated by I guess, is the lack of progress made to tell everyone else. I don’t expect magic but I don’t want to be left hanging either. In fact, I only created aforementioned Instagram in case they ever want to find me when they’re told about THE FIVE OF US.

You see, this makes me officially the middle child of 7. Which, you really gotta laugh at right? Or try to! We range from (almost) 42 to 12. Many of my nieces and nephews (now have?) have an Aunt and Uncle same age or younger than they are. This is…. Strange.

This also makes me connect a lot of dots and lines I want confirmed. Like when I was 15 and my Dad started getting in contact – is it because his wife was preggers with my brother at the time and he was feeling guilty? Who knows.  The whole thing has been a summer-long mind game.

Did I mention little brothers birthday is the day after mine? And little sisters is two weeks before my older sisters? Will they be okay with the idea of having 5 brothers and sisters?

Ugh. I am not mad, it just makes my brain and stomach churn when I think about it. How do we proceed? Will we proceed? Is Dad just gonna wait til they’re older to tell them? He’s only told 3 of the 5 of us that I know of since May. I only live an hour away from them and that’s weird. Sometimes I think he’s going to wait to tell them until he’s sure I have moved out of the area. Maybe that is just being paranoid. I’m 31, I feel like I shouldn’t care so much but I do.

It is just hard to always be answering questions and never have them answered when you’re the one asking. Half the things I am asked by my dad I’m sure he’d never answer if tables were turned.

Lots of other stuff going on with one of my brothers kids. Trying to move, get to sea level financially…

Jamberry business is growing and doing well and my weight is at about 163lbs right now. I’ve been totally stuck here for a couple months, just barely unable to reach that 100lb mark! Soon…

Until then, just keep swimming, right?

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Life Never Stops

I thought I’d come to this conclusion and made peace with it already?

The tidal wave that started before my birthday has continued. Have I written since my birthday? Probably not! It was terrible. Though there were no hard feelings from anyone toward me specifically, there was so much fighting going on that I ended up making my own dinner. I even had to eat it alone. That’s how my birthday went. Maybe next year, eh?

Life continues to throw many fast and curveballs my direction. My brother-in-law had come by a week or so ago saying that their mom (my MIL) would be retiring and moving in with him in August. Awesome! A giant worry off the list! She’s 84, she’s been working because she chooses to.

As it were, I forgot that most people cannot be relied on. Upon the first phone call to discuss the first round of stuff to take to back to his place that upcoming (this past) weekend, which was just photos, he already freaked out. He told us their mom should do this leisurely but not at the end of the workday, but she’s been spending a lot of weekends at his place so how the heck? Okay whatever. We tried to brush it off and continue as planned.

Fathers Day weekend was relaxed, although the Jeep almost didn’t start – again. We aren’t sure when or if we will fix it because we really just need a new car. Okay, same page, cool!

Come Monday of this week, my brother in law brings my MIL home and starts barking orders at us about what needs to happen. No hello, nothing..just “this is what I need you to do”. I kept my cool and tried to figure out where all the anger and angst were coming from. I reminded him we do literally everything for his mom as far as houswork, cooking, shopping goes. I reminded him that we have a toddler and only one barely functioning vehicle. I also reminded him of everything we have done since we have been here: cared for his dying father, made sure his mom stayed motivated after the death, spent the last 3 years taking care of her and cleaning up the house and the storage (it was very, very, very crowded here), managing her health appointments, prescriptions, driving her everywhere. That I’ve personally come quite a long way in regards to health (which has had positive benefits on the ENTIRE household), I’ve invested in myself when no one else would hire me. I asked him to his face if he thought we sat around with our thumbs up our asses.

You know what he did? He put his hands on his hips and gave me a snotty shrug! Prick. Then he told me that everything we have done DOES NOT MATTER. None of it matters apparently because now this is what HE wants.

You know, I’ve been called a lot of things by people closest to me… I’ve had people make really awful assumptions about me and say those things without so much as giving me the courtesy of speaking to defend myself. I’ve NEVER had someone tell me what I do in life doesn’t matter. Offensive as fuuuu.

I proved all those other people wrong and I will prove him wrong without even trying. I just hate being made out to be the loser assholes for doing the right thing.

It’s cool though, I don’t go to bed with a guilty conscience

Liars – can’t stand them.  Clearly communication is not his forte. I gave this guy the benefit of the doubt since I met him.

100% disappointed.

Did I mention he was totally okay with yelling at me with my kid on my hip? Cool bro.

Good vibrations friends… Need all the good juju and luck to get out!

Weigh-in next week!

My Birthday Curse

Today I’m going to complain because I haven’t got anywhere else to do it!

Every year without fail something happens just before or on my birthday that kind of blows my day to smithereens. Every year I have been a good sport about it and think, “okay, next year is gonna be AWESOME!”

My birthday is this coming Sunday.

Starting a few weeks ago, I had finished my first Jamberry event and had borrow a bunch of vendor-related stuff from other consultants because I hadn’t had time to pay for them and have them get to me in time. I’d also had a bunch of trade stuff going on with a friend – so I was preparing all of these packages at the same time. I’ve ALWAYS scheduled a pick-up at home and put out my packages moments before the postal carrier arrives.

Well, this time someone stole all those packages. They didn’t think I was home but I was, alone with my son – I chased them about as far as I could really go without leaving my boy behind by himself. I got the best details I could, filed a police report, but you know how it goes – they’re in the wind! Never getting them back. So now, of course, I had to buy/replace anything that had been stolen. You know when you finally get to that point of just a TINY BIT ahead on everything? THEN IT’S ALL STOLEN.

I’m not mad about replacing things for these people, it’s the right thing to do. I’m just mad that some asshole stole from my porch. I’m mad I left the packages out. Then my postal carrier sent me a “picked-up” notice and even though I had insurance on the packages, had this notice and everything, since they’d never actually been picked up, the best I could do was get the cost of postage back. YEAH COOL. $16 vs $150+.

In fact, one of these very packages that I had to purchase – which I did so directly from the website to be shipped to a girl in Utah – is STILL IN LIMBO. Yesterday I checked tracking and it’s in Southern California – everyone’s information has this woman’s UT address and it took me, I shit you not, 60 minutes to get a live person on the phone to tell me exactly what the automated system and online systems can tell me: the last scan information. OKAY. Now they tell me I get to wait until the 6th, except she needed it by the 6th and I ordered this around May 19. SO UM. So I was told to wait.

Additionally, medical insurance is in limbo as well – even though I’ve done everything properly on my end. I turned everything in a month early – I’ve been flaked on numerous times and today I was told, again, to wait until some time next week. WELL, I’ve been working on this since the beginning of April and they apparently can’t get their thumbs out of their asses and have 2 copies of my paperwork. They have no record of my having come in and suggested I come in, again. Or schedule a phone thing, again, so no one can call me.

So I’m out a few hundred because of the theft and my time was wasted on the phone wherein I could have been a lot more productive instead of stewing in angst. Plus no one can friggin hear me on my phone because my adorable son broke it in August 2014.

That “few hundy” was going to my next fitness/health adventure which will now have to be on hold until I can recoup that loss.

My storage rent went up again. I’ve had it for 3 years and it’s gone up almost $40 – that’s a lot, right? In the same day as that notice (yesterday) I also received an e-mail stating that during inspection they noticed my lock was “missing” – upon calling this morning all I was told was that during renovation they took my lock off, put a new lock on, then took it off because they assumed I’d put a new one on (even though my address lists me over 300 miles away……). I asked how long my unit had been without a lock, if it’d been broken into. I was met with all “all the notes say are” and a “we will put a new lock on and you will need to buy a new one and switch it out. come to the office when you get here”.  Sure, let me jump in and drive a few days early to come handle this now.

I’m tired of having my time wasted over things like this. I am a very diligent person, I do things the right way the first time, I’m a good person. Why all the obstacles man?

And in the event I can still make this roadtrip possible to see my family and friends for my birthday because this is all I have tried to make happen for the last 3-4 years…. now it’s going to be squished as shit because I have to spend a day either reorganizing/going through my storage and/or relocating everything.

There’s a bunch of stuff up in the air with one of my nieces and two of my nephews and nobody seems to be communicating with anyone on that. It’s so complicated though I mean…

A lot of this is surface stuff, there are some COOL and some WEIRD things in the works… and some seriously deep stuff I can’t even get into right now.

I joked with my husband the other night that I wondered if my psychology teacher in high school was still around – he’d had my oldest brother, my sister and myself in his class. He certainly had a handful of perspective on my family – we could probably have a good laugh about my final paper my senior year (A+ and extra credit OKAAAYYY) and how things are currently turning out.

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…

I know the light is at the end of the tunnel but today it just doesn’t seem as bright. Still going to a demo tonight to see if I can find a way to move forward with my plans anyway!

Hope Sunday fuggin RULES.

She’s Alive! She’s Well!

Hot Dang you guys. I am very, very sorry for my absence since March.

Truthfully, I have been very much stuck in my own head.  Experiencing a lot of new things, new people, things I am typically uncomfortable with.  It’s good for me, technically, it’s just hard. Sometimes I need an “absolute zero” moment for myself to recoup, which has been hard to get.

Let’s get to some stats, shall we? February marked my anniversary of taking over my health and starting this bad-boy-here blog! YAY. I had WANTED to get to 100lbs down by that time but it did not happen. In fact, I was very much stuck in a plateau from February until just a few weeks ago. I’m not sure if it was a mental thing because getting under 172lbs meant something SO much for me, but alas, plateaus happen – they also PASS!

PS – I decided to go monthly on my weigh-ins at this point. Weekly is too much mental turmoil for me, and being a lady and all, there’s a good half of the month where fluctuation is too much. This much I confirmed with MyFitnessPal weight tracker.

Starting Weight 2/2014: 261.2lbs
Weight 3/10/15: 173.1lbs
Weight 5/5/15: 169.5lbs
+/-:  -3.6lbs
Total Shed: -91.7lbs

So! It took me a few months to drop almost 4lbs. It’s getting tougher for sure. I have to remember not to beat me up. HOWEVER – this DOES MEAN…

I AM NO LONGER MEDICALLY OBESE! YAY! Now I’m just regular “overweight” – an odd thing to strive for, ha.  I am much closer to the range I’d like to be in, but I feel pretty good and am looking for ways to feel better and feel more motivated.

Here are some progress pictures from Cinco de Mayo (oh yeah, I chopped off all my hair too):

Front That’s a MEDIUM SHIRT.

🙂

So, that’s pretty awesome, right?! I am continuously blown away by my own progress photos, although I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that “fat girl syndrome” still creeps into my head a LOT. I have a hard time not seeing myself as the heavier version of myself – at least until I take new progress photos. 🙂

It’s been hard to keep up with exercise these days, not that I don’t get enough of it on walks with my son and chasing him everywhere but I really need to start carving out time for myself again. It’s a Zen thing. I crave it. I’ve been VERY busy, so I just need to create a schedule for myself.

I can follow a schedule, right? Maybe?

My Jamberry Nails gig has been going well – really slow and rough to start but definitely found my groove, am confident in my product knowledge as well as the product itself and even had my first event as a vendor over the weekend!  It’s definitely been a crash course in business that I probably should have taken in college. At least this way I earn real money & I won’t fire me!  Has definitely helped clear the financial fiascos that were happening over the holidays.

Luckily SoCal weather should be cool this week… so I should be able to hop on here and actually catch-up with you beautiful people. You are always in my thoughts even when I am not around. I hope you are all healthy and well.. and if you aren’t… you can be.

xo.

RIP Maxwell Kitty-Pants

1007111846I’m not sure how many of you are actively following me at this point since I’ve been a little touch-and-go about posting the last few months, but some of you know I was worried a month or so back that my cat, Maxwell, was not doing so well.

Yesterday morning, my sweet Maxwell finally passed away just before he turned 10 years-old. My heart is heavy and my eyes have been swollen for days. We were with him 24-7 the last few days of his life to provide comfort and love and his orange brothers laid on either side of him as it happened. One even stood guard over his body until we were able to get him to the vets office to start the cremation process (& yes, I’m definitely getting his ashes back).

He was one of my best friends. He never disappointed me, he was loyal and a true cats-cat. He was my sons first best friend (and a stellar example of what a real friend is like) and he was with me through some of the most tumultuous and awesome times in my life. He was my dude, my kitty-dude & always dressed to impress as he was always ready for an interview or black-tie affair. 😉

The picture in this post is from September of 2011. It was a particularly liberating day and for me that day  and I LOVE that Max is giving me kisses in it. I will always remember him as the parrot-kitten on my shoulder, getting his claws stuck on EVERYTHING and the guy always trying to steal my food and squeaking instead of meowing – not as the frail guy he was at the end. I even told him, “these last weak moments do not define your entire life, we just have to get through this part to get to the next adventure”. I assured him he would see his former fallen friends (like his bff, my old dog, Sophie) where he was headed. He was very calm toward the end and I am thankful for that.

I feel a little weird proclaiming my love so hard for my feline friend but we shared a decade together, the most important of my life so far. I miss him so much my body physically aches from head to toe. My other kitties, his two brothers, are still sulking today and that’s hard to see too. Not to mention my son is used to hugging and cuddling Max everyday (as he was the only of the 3 who would let him) so, seeing my boy look for his cat kinda sucks even though we tried our best to be honest and explain as well and simple we could to a two year-old.

I can’t write anymore about Max or I will lose my shit and I’ve been OK today as far as crying goes.

I did still weigh-in this week, no change from last week. Was chillin’ at 182.1lbs on 1/20 – we will see what Tuesday brings after such a hard week and hard loss.

I love you, Maxwell Silverhammer. Please come visit me in my dreams.

Chin up, move forward!

Pan the Man

I was on the phone with my sister when I found out Robin Williams had died. Sincerely, I had hoped it was a nasty prank but alas, truth.

I’ve never before been so impacted by a ‘celebrity’ death. I can’t stop the hurt my heart is feeling over this one, like my very own kin has passed. The sorrow I feel over his depression and his counter of being able to make the entire world smile and laugh is almost too much. It feels so real and it really hits close to home.

I grew up with this man, perhaps not literally, but he was always in my home.  He’s Peter Pan (Panning! Pan! Panning!), he’s waiting for us to roll a 5 or 8, he’s my favorite silly doctor and my favorite teacher. Yet, the only role I can really picture him in right now is in “What Dreams May Come” – it seems a little darker but a little bit more beautiful at the same time.

I don’t even know how to continue to broach the subject, except, that unless you have been there and experienced such despair, it is hard to understand why such a brilliant, generous, kind and overall stellar example of a human being decided it was finally too much to stay any longer. 

I once tried when I was 16. Thankfully, it  didn’t work and all I did was end up retching all night. I have fought depression for most of my life and it isn’t easy. I have had family attempt and a couple of friends “succeed”. Mental and emotional health should not be taken lightly, it can be utterly crippling. It is so important to be knowledgeable and in tune with the human condition, I cannot stress this enough.

So what can you say about a fella who brightened some of your most tumultuous years and so suddenly and  tragically left?

You’re right, Genie, I ain’t never had a friend like you.

xoxo

The World

I’ve been in a straight-up shitty mood since I came across an article on CNN yesterday with the headline, “Christian Forced to Convert to Islam, Then Beheaded”, then of course followed by hearing about all those poor babies with similar fate. It physically makes me hurt. It makes me glad that I have the opportunity to be annoyed by my son when he’s having a cranky day.

Of course though, mainstream media has to get through all their celebrity news and gossip before they get to a 30 second clip about what’s really happening in the world. Disappointing.

It’s very, very scary to me to even feel somebodys anger, let alone full blown rage over anything – which, on the full spectrum, is usually repairable or within the moment. To know that there are people out there who feel justified in such behavior, to cause such humility before brutally beheading someone and turn right around and shoot a baby in the head is just beyond personal comprehension. I truly cannot imagine what these people are going through, how terrifying every second must feel. I only know how it makes me feel waaaaaay over here and it scares me.

It scares me because under the right (wrong, I guess) circumstances that could be any of us. Those could be our family killing or being killed. We’ve no choice to go about our daily lives, however, I hope we don’t all develop blinders to the realities out in the world. Most of our problems are minimal, temporarily frustrating or taking longer to solve or even get started on than we’d like.

You know what? That’s fine by me. It’s okay that my current annoyance is wanting that fucking cherry pie my mother-in-law brought home or my frustration at finding a feline friendly rental home up North. These things are temporary and annoying but they can be accomplished and don’t affect the rest of the world.

Please keep the less fortunate in your thoughts and be as kind to others as you can be – sometimes a simple gesture of kindness is all it can take to turn a life around. Let’s all contribute to GOODNESS in the world with our own actions and teach our future generations the same.

It could always, always be worse and well, it’s pretty bad right now.