I’ve missed a few weigh-in days….

At least on here, I did them at home though they’re nothing to brag about. Since I pride myself on being honest even when it’s ugly here we go!

Last post here I was 175.7lbs, the week after that I was at 176.1lbs. Wasn’t even too bummed about it because my mom had been in town and we didn’t eat like crap but I didn’t drink enough water either so I figured it was water weight. Then, last week, I weighed in at 179.5lbs. WHAT? Anyway. It was my PMS (sincerely though, PMDD, which is worse) week and all that.

I had to come to terms with my weigh-ins. They were definitely emotionally based and my attitude going into them was negative. I upped my water intake over the course of the week after that and got mostly back-on-track and some big to-do items off my list.

DRUMROLL PLEASE:

Starting Weight Feb 2014: 261.2lbs
Weight Last Week: 179.5
Current Weight: 175.5lbs
Weekly +/-:  -4lbs
Total Shed: 85.7lbs

While my goal in February was to stay out of the 180s and remain out of them and I did, I don’t even feel good about it. Grateful, but not good. There is a difference.  At least I’m about back to where I was a couple of weeks ago. I don’t know why plateaus still surprise me, they should be expected at this point.

February was weird though. I was so anxious for February to start back in January that I remained pretty anxious all throughout February. I suppose some of it was the start of my Independent Consulting thing, which I actually did OK in the first month. It’s not bringing a lot in right now but over time and with a few other at-home gigs I home I can provide something somewhat substantial to my household income. We’ll see.

I also injured my foot the week my Mom was here. I thought it was my second toe on the  left foot but its the padded area below that and in the ball of the foot on the bottom. It’s a terrible spot. I can stretch and walk lightly but definitely no body weight circuits were happening or can happen any time soon. It’s a delicate place, whatever it is called. My son has managed to stop on or a drop a book in the exact spot nearly every day for the last few weeks. The power children possess..

Ahhh. All that being said, I feel good about even writing in here. Sometimes I feel like people will forget I was even here if I drop off the face of the planet. Truly I was just sad and keeping busy to keep from being sad and for the most part, it worked. I have been a productive little B-Stinger. Yesterday I let my artistic side out and finally sat down and drew/colored/put together a gift for my expectant cousin and her baby girl. Cinderella and GusGus. That was fun. Next is Pooh Bear for a young girl I have been sort of helping or guide through her pregnancy, as she will be a single Mama.

Speaking of Mama, my cub is going nuts. Until later!

Weigh In Day & progress photos

Well, it’s 11:57pm on Tuesday, so it won’t be weigh-in day when this posts. It still counts, right?

Also, I apologize for missing last week’s weigh in. I’d had that experience with my niece (I’ve since made that post private out of respect – Rachael, I want you to know I really valued your input a lot, it helped put me in check. Thank you! I didn’t know how to send you a note more privately). I did weigh last week and I was still at 181. Two weeks of that.

Onto the goods:

Starting Weight Feb 2014: 261.2lbs
Weight Last Week: 181.0lbs
Current Weight: 175.7lbs
Weekly +/-:  -5.3lbs
Total Shed: 85.5lbs

Well dang, son. Pretty big loss for one week but my period started on weigh in day last week so, no further explanation. It’s kind of frustrating how that one time or week per month is so friggin unrealiable as far as weigh ins and measurements go. The fluctuation can be so gnarly and it can be hard to tell yourself, even if you know, that it’s water weight. You get all bloated and gross-feeling and some times pizza-facey. So the last thing you really want is a shitty weigh-in too right? Part of the cycle, I suppose. No pun intended, happy accident. It just seems hard to accept it and not weigh that week but also weird to know that you could be disappointed. I dunno, do you?

I was not disappointed, in fact quite pleased it had at least not gone up. Im just relating to the gals around here. It’s irritating and feels inconsistent on paper. Like you have to explain biology for making you look bad. Am I right?

So I felt pretty excited by my weigh in today. I’d been stuck in the 180s for quite some time. 2-3 months, maybe? I even shook my head “no”, moved the scale and weighed 2 more times. Booya. It’s for real.

That means I had to do progress pictures. Here they be!

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Look at me, eh?! I don’t even look like the same person. This is why we take “before” pictures even when we cannot stand to see ourselves so raw. Because later, after some meltdowns and tears and weird emotional bullshit and new exercises that just might make you feel like the end is nigh…. You can do a side-by-side and feel like a badass. I feel like a badass.

I’ve taken progress pics roughly every 10-15lbs, closer to 10. This one caught me off guard, I didn’t think I had gotten rid of 5lbs but I’m okay with it. The point being, every time I’ve done a side-by-side, I’ve been impressed with myself. It’s given me the mojo to work off 10lbs more so I can do another side-by-side. Most importantly, I’ve been so proud of myself and I no longer flinch when I look at my before pictures. I’m fucking proud of her too, you know?

It’s been an interesting week. I started an at-home independent consulting gig with a product I enjoy. I don’t anticipate it will bring a lot in but something at least. So I don’t have to ask someone if I can buy tampons or worry about needing new shoes. It’s the little things, really. I’m participating in several online groups on Facebook which is really helping me branch out and network, which will be necessary for this consulting gig (I also kinda don’t feel comfortable being all hey! Help me earn $$! I really love all their products though so I have those speak for themselves).

I’ve been so isolated since we moved to So Cal. I haven’t made friends really. One girl kind of but you know, not really. Haha. No one to go blow steam off with and no sitters to go do anything with the hubs, either. It’s temporary though and that’s enough light at the end of the tunnel for me.

I’ve made a friend, at least I like to think, by way of modern pen-pal-ship. Something like that anyway. It’s been refreshing to communicate with someone I consider like-minded just doused in completely different experiences. Always makes for such interesting discussion. I like people – I like quality people – and she is a quality person.

I am still catching myself looking for MSH on the other side of the sliding glass door when I drive by. I know that will get easier with time and old habits are hard to break.

Ahh. I need to make time for some writing and art projects the rest of this week. I can’t wait until I am able to get better art supplies!

Rambling. I managed, somehow, a three hour nap by accident this afternoon. I went to plug in my phone to answer an email and suddenly it was 5:28pm. 🙂

Cater to the hollow

I’ve been crying a lot today.

I don’t know who else or where else to say it. My heart is heavy. I can’t remember the last time I was this sad about a human being… which, is really saying something about human beings, I guess.

I ordered a magnet on Shutterfly earlier this week with some sweet pics on it and it came today. I knew what it looked like, I friggin’ designed it. SO WHY DID IT MAKE ME SO UPSET TO GET IT? AND HOW COME HIS LITTLE VELCRO TIE MAKES MY HEART CHURN? 

I will attempt to keep my heartache to a dull roar. I’m sure it’s getting old.

Nice tie, Mr. Pants

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Maxwell's resting quarters, the imprint the vets office did and his imprint from Christmas!

I feel like I’m just waiting. Waiting for what, though? Probably for January to be over. January and I don’t have a great history together. September and I usually have a problem too. I had my wisdom teeth and an erupted tooth out in September and well, you know, Max died a week ago tomorrow and I’ve been a pizza face all month. To be fair, I suppose I have to admit that January as a whole hasn’t been terrible, perhaps a little irritating with some sprinkles of sad, but there’s been a lot of good stuff too. I still just want it to be over, though, if not just to flip my calendar page for next month’s photos.

I feel taxed today. I’ve decided it’s… It’s everything. I guess it’s a good tired, if I had to classify it. Just feels like it’s stealing time from me I need, I have things to do, write, create.  Yet, here I am.

I should probably admit some food mishaps this week. I don’t even feel that bad but:

Wednesday, after we picked up Senor Kitty’s ashes, we also picked up dinner from Olive Garden. I’d had this $25 gifrcard for a long time so.. anyway. I got their 4 course dinner plus an extra appetizer and split it between 3 adults and my son gnawed on a breadstick. It was surprisingly enough food for all of us. It made me feel kinda gross that at one point I might have been able to finish 75%, if not all, of everything that came in my meal. What a difference a year can make!

Tonight, I had Wendy’s for the first time in a year. Chili and a potato. I’ve never been much of a burger gal.

Anyway, there it is. I hope it doesn’t reflect poorly next week. My body does not like this fast processed stuff though. It is no longer acclimated. That’s…relieving, I think.

We attempted the library today. My son lasted about 45 seconds before being the loudest person in the vicinity. How the shit do people get their kids to actually sit and be quiet for reading time without to t, sticky fingers stealing the book? Urgh. They all looked smaller than my boy, but I have got to remember the doctor told me he’s a big kid. He looks 3… but nay, he is 2. I’m always afraid I’m not doing enough for his development; a different issue for a different day. Point being, nobody enjoyed our presence us at the library today! Thats okay, we ran around outside instead. 🙂

Ashes

The veterinarian hospital we took our beloved Maxwell to when he passed has just called to inform me that his ashes are back and ready for pick-up.

I suppose, then, it’s no surprise that roughly 30 minutes before that I had a pretty random cry-fest in his memory. It’s weird to be excited about something a little morbid but alas, I am. Some friends and family keep asking me what I’m going to do with them. Well, I’m going to have a barbecue of course! I feel like it’s a silly question. I’m going to keep them, at least for now. Max wasn’t a dog, he didn’t have a favorite spot that wasn’t on my bed or my lap or with his claws stuck in my hair. If anything, he did like climbing up trees. I am entertaining the thought of turning him into a Japanese Maple tree via Bio Urn when we move and eventually have property.

I’m ready, I think. I wasn’t really expecting them to be ready until Friday or Monday. They even asked how I wanted his name positioned on the box. Maxwell Silverhammer. Kitty-pants, ahhh… and naturally, my toddler is fighting nap-time for two hours now. I’ve conceded he will be skipping the nap, hubbo still trying. It’s not going to end pretty.

I’m not ready to really be out in public though. There can be physical consequences and manifestations as a result of so much ugly-crying. Such being the constellation of pimples that has arrived on my face or the small planet of fever blisters under my nose this time (on the opposite side of last time) that are in an ugly, scabbing healing phase. My husband keeps suggesting outdoorsy, people infested activities and… he’s probably right, but my face, man.

Other projects moving along nicely, I feel like I’ve been pretty productive this week and it’s been personally insightful and reflective. I am impatient about one of two things I am working on that I am most excited about, but I can’t do that until after the first. At some point I should have a bombardment of awesome stuff in the mail coming my way which will (well, some) go out to other people. I just want to organize everything. I want to organize your stuff to. I don’t want to steal it, I just want it to look CLEAN as fuuuuu.

I really do enjoy organizing stuff. I’m not sure why. It’s amplified when I am sad but I’m generally down.

I need a change of scenery, I need to get back into the workouts that helped me be successful when I started. I need to commit to body weight circuits again and figure out what I want to do for cardio. I need to find new recipes so my “old” recipes don’t become old. I need to expand my pallet. All things to work on. I have so many different to-do lists it’s a little nuts, but they make sense to me and they don’t overwhelm.

Speaking of, I need to stop this and get back to those. Although, trying to post more than once a week is technically on my list, so…

Weigh-in Day

Alright, here we are. The first weigh-in post pet-loss! Did better than I thought:

Starting Weight Feb 2014: 261.2lbs
Weight Last Week: 182.1lbs
Current Weight: 181.0lbs
Weekly +/-:  -1.2lbs
Total Shed: 80.2lbs

Not bad, considering I had days where I didn’t eat or drink anything and days where I had things like a frozen pizza and some chocolate chip cookies and, and, and… it probably wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be in my head, after all, I let go of over a pound!

So, that means I am just barely over 80lbs shed, gone and done with now! In less than a year! I could be a real person on one of those commercials, except no one actually wants to hear how much hard work it takes to get this far. Everyone is more than capable, at least I think so. You just have to grab a hold of your brain first and let it know that you are, in fact, technically your own brain, so you are in control. RIGHT? Something like that.

I kind of have a lot going on, you guys. I don’t mean all the weird luck and sadsies because of my cat; I have real life opportunities starting to arise. One of them I am currently working on and the other I cannot get started until after the 1st. I’m not sure how much of either I want to divulge at this moment, but I am excited where both of these things could take me some day! Also, I’ve been looking for/applying for PT work in the mean-time. I keep complaining about wanting to get out of SoCal so I’m trying to do something about it. Baby steps, as long as there are steps.

NOTHING CHANGES IF EVERYTHING STAYS THE SAME.

I tell my mom something similar when the topic of my eldest brother comes up…. “if you aren’t trying and he isn’t trying then nobody is trying and nothing is changing, so it all stays the same. You can’t sit there and do nothing, get nothing and be surprised about it”. So, I’m listening to myself. So far, I think it’s working.

Good things are coming despite all the odd things that have happened over the last few months, I can feel it. I hope to make some friends along the way!

RIP Maxwell Kitty-Pants

1007111846I’m not sure how many of you are actively following me at this point since I’ve been a little touch-and-go about posting the last few months, but some of you know I was worried a month or so back that my cat, Maxwell, was not doing so well.

Yesterday morning, my sweet Maxwell finally passed away just before he turned 10 years-old. My heart is heavy and my eyes have been swollen for days. We were with him 24-7 the last few days of his life to provide comfort and love and his orange brothers laid on either side of him as it happened. One even stood guard over his body until we were able to get him to the vets office to start the cremation process (& yes, I’m definitely getting his ashes back).

He was one of my best friends. He never disappointed me, he was loyal and a true cats-cat. He was my sons first best friend (and a stellar example of what a real friend is like) and he was with me through some of the most tumultuous and awesome times in my life. He was my dude, my kitty-dude & always dressed to impress as he was always ready for an interview or black-tie affair. 😉

The picture in this post is from September of 2011. It was a particularly liberating day and for me that day  and I LOVE that Max is giving me kisses in it. I will always remember him as the parrot-kitten on my shoulder, getting his claws stuck on EVERYTHING and the guy always trying to steal my food and squeaking instead of meowing – not as the frail guy he was at the end. I even told him, “these last weak moments do not define your entire life, we just have to get through this part to get to the next adventure”. I assured him he would see his former fallen friends (like his bff, my old dog, Sophie) where he was headed. He was very calm toward the end and I am thankful for that.

I feel a little weird proclaiming my love so hard for my feline friend but we shared a decade together, the most important of my life so far. I miss him so much my body physically aches from head to toe. My other kitties, his two brothers, are still sulking today and that’s hard to see too. Not to mention my son is used to hugging and cuddling Max everyday (as he was the only of the 3 who would let him) so, seeing my boy look for his cat kinda sucks even though we tried our best to be honest and explain as well and simple we could to a two year-old.

I can’t write anymore about Max or I will lose my shit and I’ve been OK today as far as crying goes.

I did still weigh-in this week, no change from last week. Was chillin’ at 182.1lbs on 1/20 – we will see what Tuesday brings after such a hard week and hard loss.

I love you, Maxwell Silverhammer. Please come visit me in my dreams.

Chin up, move forward!